Communicating With Your Memory-Impaired Loved One
Do you struggle to find the balance of caring for your loved one with memory loss when the relationship changes? In this transition to caregiving, it can be very difficult for people to stay connected through conversation with loved ones who need support. Here are some helpful tips for speaking with equality and communicating effectively.
Set the Stage
Creating an environment where all parties can feel heard and seen is key to a good conversation. Some examples of setting a healthy environment to talk (when you have control to do so) include:
- Minimizing distractions like music or television
- Moving to a room or other space away from loud noises or children
- Providing talking mats, or cards with pictures and words, for your loved one to use if they struggle with language
- Fitting time in your day without distractions or tasks so you can converse with your loved one without being in and out of their presence doing other things
- Pausing an activity you’re engaging in together if it prompts a conversation so you can better connect with them
Body Language
Your body language can say a lot, whether or not you are aware of it at the moment. Consider incorporating the following moves when conversing with your loved one, or anyone in general, to convey your full attention:
- Relax your body
- Give full eye contact and face them
- Nod to affirm you’re listening
- Give meaning to words by also using actions or expressive hand movements
- Be expressive and smile or show physical affection when appropriate
- Allow for tears or laughter when natural
How to Speak
The way you speak your words can also give an impression of your interest and support for your loved one in the conversation. Strengthen the way you talk with others by:
- Using short, simple sentences and basic, common words
- Speaking slowly, clearly, and in a calm, friendly tone
- Being patient and treating them with respect by talking to them like an adult
- Being inclusive by offering time for them to process and respond fully and encouraging them to share
- Focusing on one topic at a time and refraining from asking too many questions at once
Language to Avoid
Before incorporating healthy communicative language, it’s important to understand what language is not helpful when talking to a loved one with memory impairment. Here are some examples of words and phrases to delete from your vocabulary:
- Asking quizzical questions like “Do you remember?”
- Invalidating them with corrective statements like “That didn’t happen.”
- Being bossy or irritated with statements like “I already told you” or “You need to do this right now.”
- Telling them the truth when they ask about difficult subjects or a loved one that’s no longer around
- Using condescending words or language that limits their independence
- Asking too many questions back to back
- Asking multiple open-ended questions like “What do you want to do today?”
- Making them question things with language like “Do you know who this is?”
- Finishing their sentences for them
- Using figures of speech or slang
- Using aggressive language back in a frustrating conversation
- Talking as if they’re not present
- Infantilizing them with baby talk
Language to Use
The more precise and supportive your words, the better you’ll be able to express yourself while encouraging your loved one to best express themself. Here are some good examples of words and phrases to use:
- Using questions that allow for “yes” or “no” answers or limiting choices like “Would you prefer an apple or orange?”
- Using preferred names and titles, including introducing yourself and your relation
- Confirming you understand what they said and asking them to repeat if necessary
- Using “I” statements like “I think it would be nice for us to take a walk today” to encourage them in activity and engagement
- Redirecting the conversation and staying positive if anyone grows aggravated
- Asking them to try different ways of telling their story if they’re struggling to finish
- Using positive language when solving problems like “let’s try this”
- Using “please” and “thank you” even when things don’t go perfectly
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