You knew this day would come eventually, though you may or may not have been prepared for it. When you can no longer care for an elderly parent, it’s time to communicate your needs and enact the next stage of your parent’s plan for aging. Hopefully, your parent has already made a plan so you won’t be starting the process during a crisis.
If you are a spouse caring for your partner, check out this article.
When You Can No Longer Care for an Elderly Parent
You’ve prepared to take care of your parents, but now you find yourself incapable of continuing. When you’ve decided you can no longer be a primary caregiver, it’s time to break the news to your family. But how do you do that?
If you’ve reached your breaking point, it’s time to let people know. Others won’t always understand your decision. Oftentimes they will want to know what changed. Unfortunately, many times a caregiver decides they can no longer give care because they’ve already been burning themselves out. We all have limits to what we can do. And if you’ve done your best but can continue no longer, then you should not feel guilty.
When you can no longer care for an elderly parent, here are a few tips in discussing the next steps.
Reframe Your Decision
It’s normal to feel a sense of guilt when you decide to stop primarily caring for your parent. However, there are healthier ways to approach this change. Just because you are ending one type of care doesn’t mean that you have to stop caring in all ways. Often, the type of care just changes form. Be sure to consult your care coordination team when thinking of the next step. If your parent requires additional care you can’t provide, transitioning to memory care or assisted living might be the most caring thing you can do.
Consider How Others Will be Affected
Your decision may mean change for other members of your family. They could resent your decision and worry that they’ll have to put in more of an effort to make up for your lack of caregiving.
During this time, conflicts between other members of your family are common. Old sibling rivalries may arise as well as other complex family dynamics. It might be beneficial to ask “what is most important in your parent’s life from now until they die” in order to reframe the attention to the care of your parent and not your perceived shortcomings. This can also be used as an opportunity to brainstorm and collaborate.
Communicate with Care
Most people don’t like change and will often resist it. In these cases, it can be helpful to clearly communicate your needs while keeping their feelings in mind. Here are some phrases that could help:
- Here are my thoughts…
- I could use your help determining the next steps…
- We’re in this together…
- Do you have any other ideas…
At times the discussion may become heated, but rather than argue, make sure your family members understand you’ve done your best and need to take your own needs into consideration. If you receive negative feedback, stay calm. Remind them that you have done your best and though they may have done things differently, you’ve reached your breaking point and need help.
Remember Your Own Feelings
It can be easy to push your feelings aside when you assume the role of a caregiver. However, you should remember to have compassion for yourself as well as others. Feeling exhausted, resentful, or inadequate are common when a caregiver sets boundaries.
What Happens Next?
Once you’ve gotten through the discussion, you may decide as a family what the next steps should be. If you would like to financially evaluate a CCRC to determine if that choice is right for your parent, then we have resources for you.
Don’t leave the decision-making process to anyone else and harness the power of choice with your new eBook, Moving to a Senior Living Community: Make Decisions Your Way.